I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
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