I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
Randomize
