I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
