Cold hands, warm shart.
I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Randomize
