he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
votings over. no more wacking it to anti christine o'donnell ads
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
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