Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
Sex in the backyard? Check.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
