just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
Four minutes until I can fart!
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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