i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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