My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Randomize
