If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
Randomize
