watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
Question: terrible or awesome when a girl give you head so vigorously that you get a hickey of sorts
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
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