I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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