i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
only if we run a train.
done.
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
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