listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
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