I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
