i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
I use my feet as sexual weapons
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Randomize
