so while we were having sex, he stuck it in my but, and when he finished he goes next time can we have anal. i don't know if that means im tight or my butt hole is loose, i choose to think the first one
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
That was before I lit my hair on fire
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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