Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
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