do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
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