I want to make a zoo with you.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
Randomize
