am i morally bankrupt?
no. its just the recession
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Randomize
