oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
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