totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
What happened to fro yo and sex?
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
Randomize
