I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
is it bad if i hope guys are like edward cullen and can read my mind. i could be a whore in disguise.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
Randomize
