I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
Let the clothes fall where they may.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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