No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize
