It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Randomize
