NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
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