We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
