How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
