just survived the first fart of the relationship.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Randomize