did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
How many fucks given?
0.12846
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
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