Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
Those balls look pretty dangerous.
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
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