It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
I feel great
I just peed on a car
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
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