I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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