Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
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