i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
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Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
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