Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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