dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
