ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
