Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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