Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
