onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
No stitches, just platelets and will power
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
Randomize
