her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Randomize
