Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Randomize
