doesn't he have a GF?
that just means you have to try harder.
i didn't have to try TOO hard, just told him i didn't want to know his name or...
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
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