in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I need a burrito and a hug.
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
