You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Randomize
