Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
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There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
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Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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