Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
