I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
you inspire me to be a worse person
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
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