Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
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