his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
