so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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