On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
Randomize
