True but thats because hes a fetus.
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
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I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
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I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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