Redeem this text for a blowjob
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
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