The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
