I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
omg kevin jonas gave his bride a glass slipper..could he be any gayer then he is now
he is so gay. he makes clay aiken look straight. what is wrong with the lady that married him? kevin must be envious of her balls
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
Randomize
