So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Randomize
