I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
