Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
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