where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Randomize
